Writing about trauma takes a lot out of you.
I freaked myself out with the last few articles I wrote. It was a bold gesture that took a lot out of me. It took anxiety, worry, vulnerability. Fear. When they were chosen for further distribution, the fear became starker. I just hadn’t thought of my piece being seen by many.
However, it also took a bit of the responsibility and shame I have felt about having stayed with an abusive partner. I’m proud of the writing, and I am glad that it resonated with a few people. This journey to healing takes fits and starts.
I recently pulled another piece I submitted, this one about eating disorders and family traditions. It was a sudden decision. I had submitted it the day before, but pulled it as it was in the perusal stage.
I just felt too raw, too exposed. After writing about the trauma of an abusive relationship, I felt weird and self-conscious about sharing yet another disfunction that ruined my life for a time. Yikes, no thank you.
And both were self-imposed, each in their own way. But I promise; I am a fully functioning adult. Trust me.
I had previously never really publicly acknowledged either my eating disorder history or my abusive relationship. I have tried therapy before, but if you’re not willing or ready to get something out of it, you won’t. I wasn’t. I was defensive. I am in therapy again, because now I am ready. Better late than never, yes?
To write those articles was a bold move. It threw back the blanket on my carefully constructed defense mechanisms, and exposed a hidden part of me for all the world to see. Perhaps I meant it to jump-start my currently stagnant healing process.
Then I started to get views and comments.
Y’all. Some of the kindest comments I had ever seen. People thought it was brave. I deeply appreciate the encouragement and the support I got in the comments. It helps to feel less alone.
I also felt embarrassed by the praise. Sometimes, I am not as kind to myself as complete strangers are in their support. I’m working on it. I am still embarrassed by this old, abusive relationship. Fits and starts, you know.
This healing business is no joke. It’s not linear. Is the online space the best place for this healing? No, probably not. It was a bit impulsive to write these articles, let alone release them. But it weirdly felt better exposing the abuse than to cover it in yet another layer.
Naming it is letting it go.
I want to write other articles, instead of those solely focusing on trauma. However, this is where I am in my journey. Personally, my favorite article I’ve written was about my epic solo road trip to see the Grateful Dead. It’s the first one I ever wrote on here, and I still recall that road trip fondly, because I kicked ass.
I know that I need to deal with my abusive relationship, though. It shoves all other thoughts from my mind. So I write, and will continue. Fits and starts, you know. I have gotten so much love and support here, though, that I had to acknowledge it. It’s wonderful to know that I am not alone. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
The advice I am giving to myself: Do what you need to do. Take breaks when you need to. Apologize to others. Apologize to yourself. Continue to write. Continue to heal. Recognize that this all happens in fits and starts.
I can’t wait to be lighter. Fits and starts, you know. Fits and starts.
